In particular, I loved these parts...
Feeding two kids is a bitch. Just when you’re all stoked because your firstborn can finally feed herself and you can go back to eating with two hands, an adorable little piranha comes along to chomp his way up your once again bleeding nips. And then when he can finally eat solids, he’s like, “I don’t give a rat’s ass if that’s what my sister liked. I’m going to pick totally different shit and make you figure it out all over again.” The only good news is you know how you used to cut blueberries in 16ths so your baby wouldn’t choke to death? When it comes to number 2, you’ll slap a whole rib-eye in front of him and let him go to town.
So you have two choices. Stay home all day long like you’re Paris F’ing Hilton on house arrest because one of your kids is always napping, or go out and about your day as one of your kids is constantly exhausted and losing his shit in public.
I’ll bet you always thought it’d be awesome having two kiddos because they’d play with each other. Ehhh, wrong. They’ll play with each other, in like five years. For the first few years, your oldest will play with your youngest like a crazy ass killer whale plays with a seal in the surf.