Why Don't You Just Adopt?

That's one of the many comments that people suffering with infertility get that is maddening.  It's on my mind today because it spurred quite a debate on a board that I frequent.  

I didn't like to talk much about my struggles when I was going through it because it was too painful, but now that I have my perfect baby girl, I like to shout it from the roof.  I will mention as many times as I can that I had to endure 8 painful and expensive treatment cycles to achieve my dream because I want people to know that I'm comfortable talking about it now, and I hope that anyone suffering will feel comfortable talking to me, asking for advice, venting, whatever they need from someone who's been there.  You feel SO isolated when you are dealing with infertility because often no one in your real life can truly understand.

People make insensitive comments all the time.  For the most part, they don't mean to, they just don't "get it."  And I always understood that no one got it so I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, even though I would often lay in bed sobbing because of something someone did or said.

First of all, yes, every single infertile person has considered adoption.  Heck, I had tons of paperwork from both the state and private agencies.  What "fertile" people don't understand is that giving up your dream of having a biological child or even just being pregnant is a huge loss, almost like a death.  Even if you can get past that hurdle, adoption can be very expensive and is always VERY uncertain.  I can't tell you the number of people I know who either had to give a foster to adopt child back or who went 10 months thinking they would finally be blessed with their precious child only to have the 16 year old birth mother change her mind.  Personally, I could not have handled that.  I would have lost it.  I have so much respect for people that are able to adopt.  They are clearly stronger than me.

People think you are selfish because you can't bring yourself to attend another baby shower or child's birthday party.  It's not selfishness, it's self preservation.  I hated that I couldn't be happy when someone announced that they were pregnant.  I hated that I would cry for 2 days after every single pregnancy announcement and be depressed for at least a week.  It killed me to barely see my friends and have to miss showers and birthday parties because I knew I would breakdown in front of everyone if I was there.  And it's a double edged sword because it would hurt so bad when friends stopped inviting you to things, but yet, you wouldn't have gone anyway so can you blame them for forgetting about you when you're never around?  You feel like such a jerk for never asking how they are feeling when they are pregnant or how the baby is after coming home.

You become desperate.  I spoke with the doctor in India, who runs the surrogacy program that has been featured on many news programs.  I researched and obtained information on multiple clinics in Europe because it's much cheaper to cycle there.  I researched state adoption, private adoption, international adoption.  I consulted with doctors in Colorado and New York, which have the best clinics in the nation.  I would have gone anywhere for a chance to have a baby.  A chance.  That's all it ever is.

I did acupuncture, which I hated.  I took herbs.  I drank tea.  I cut out dairy.  I ate more dairy.  I cut out gluten.  I ate more gluten.  I ate more vegetables.  I ate less vegetables.  I ate more meat.  I ate less meat.  I worked out more.  I worked out less.  I cut out sugar, caffeine, alcohol.  I gained weight.

Every month you get a negative pregnancy test, you cry.  When it was a treatment cycle, you cry harder.  As much as it should not be about money, can you imagine what it feels like to not only get another BFN, but also feel like you just wasted another $10,000 - $20,000?  For NOTHING.

Even when you are lucky enough to become pregnant with a sticky baby (as we like to call it), you live in fear for 10 months.

Many many infertiles have suffered through one or more miscarriages.  You can't imagine what it's like to FINALLY get pregnant after thousands of dollars and multiple treatment cycles, see your beautiful baby's little heart flickering away so that you finally let your walls down a bit, only to miscarry the next week.  It's devastating.  I NEVER talk about my miscarriage.  It's something I like to block out.  But it affected my pregnancy with Ella extensively.  I had a fetal heart monitor at my house so I could make sure there was a heartbeat everyday.  I hated every single minute of being pregnant because I was sure she was going to be taken away from me like the last baby.  Even if I heard her h/b that morning, I couldn't be sure that it was still there an hour later.  I was basically panicked for 33 weeks 5 days.

Infertility is a disease.  Just like any other disease.  No one chooses to be infertile.  Would you make a comment to someone that is sick that "it's God's will" or "why can't you just get over it?"  Of course not. 

But I don't write this for myself.  I have never been happier or more content, and I feel BEYOND fortunate and blessed to be one of the lucky ones.  It doesn't happen for everyone.  If I never have another child, my life will still be complete.  I write this for all the people still struggling, who have no idea whether or not they will ever be blessed with even one child.  My story is not unique.  It hurts my heart every time I hear of another person going through infertility.  I want to hug them, listen to them, love them.  I know the pain and desperation they feel, and it's debilitating.  I just ask that even if you can't understand, please don't judge their actions.  They are doing everything they can to just get by each day.  And it's tough.  When they don't call or attend a gathering, it is NOT because they don't love you.  It's because they have to so that they can make it to the next day in one piece.  If they need space for a day or a month or a year, please understand and welcome them back with open arms when they are ready. 

I will never forget the pain of infertility.  Heck, I'm still envious when I receive a pregnancy announcement from someone who is able to get pregnant the old fashioned way and for FREE.  The difference is that now I can be happy and excited for them.

Sorry for the serious post (I'm so infrequently serious!), but the discussion on the board I read really got to me, and if I can reach just one person who knows someone suffering from infertility, it will make me feel like I've accomplished something.

Despite everything I've gone through...IUIs, IVFs, miscarriage, chemical, horrible pregnancy, not so great birth, baby in the NICU, pneumothorax, I feel so incredibly lucky every single day, and I am so grateful for the wonderful friends and family (and husband!) that stood by me when it wasn't so easy to do. :)

Now back to recipes and baby pictures and home renovation...