The Things I Said I'd Never Do

I was one of those people that said I would NEVER have my child sleep in the bed with us. Never. And, I swore she'd be in her crib by 1 month old. HA! Maybe this would have been a reality had I given birth to a term baby...I'll never know. Having a child in the NICU is a very traumatic experience. There are multiple leads attached all over her little body tracking oxygen/heart rate/breathing/etc., IVs in the delicate hands or feet, multiple blood draws, she's pricked and prodded and a feeding tube is inserted through her nose directly to the stomach that stays in place at all times so her food could be gavaged every time she failed to finish her bottle. The stupid monitors would go off all.the.time. I still remember so vividly the panic I felt every time I heard the beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It would get faster and faster the longer it kept beeping. In my head, I was screaming..."where is the nurse?! why isn't anyone here yet?! what is wrong with her?! she's not breathing! HELP!" On the outside, I would try to sit there calmly until a nurse would come over and tell me she was fine, she just had an apnea episode (stopped breathing) that she resolved on her own, or her lead came loose, or her heart rate temporarily plummeted. The frequent apnea episodes terrified us, and we were now convinced that when she was home, with no monitor to tell us when it was happening, she'd forget to breathe again. Only, we wouldn't know because there was no monitor with it's unforgettable beep. We also had the pleasure of experiencing a baby with awful reflux. This is very common in preemies, as their digestive systems are not fully developed, however, Ella spit up and threw up CONSTANTLY. And not necessarily right after eating. It could happen an hour or two hours after eating. Then, she'd choke on the spit up. Every time, panic again. Oh my GOD! I don't remember the CPR video from the NICU. What do I do?! Help! Was all of this overreaction? New parent naivete? A little dramatic? Probably. But after losing one baby at 8 weeks and struggling for so long to finally have a live baby, we weren't taking ANY chances. And that is how my precious baby girl ended up in a Snuggle Nest in our bed, and I broke my first rule of parenting (there are many more to come!). The reason I thought of this today is because we FINALLY moved her into the pram to sleep 2 days ago (still in our room!), and I was regretting this decision last night when she reverted back to being a nasal sounding very loud newborn, and I had to get out of bed every 5 seconds to check on her, rather than just slightly lifting up my head! Oh well. I'm sure I'll sleep again when she's an adult.